Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
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