We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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