I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
