Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
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