that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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