On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
