The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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