you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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