my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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