youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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