During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
