You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
