Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
