its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
