so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
