Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
