By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize