I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize