Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
