I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
