we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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