she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
