I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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