Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
