At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
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