i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
