i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
