I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
