my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
