Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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