i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
