My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
