Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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