the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
