A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
