he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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