his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
