Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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