Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Randomize
