She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
