I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
