apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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