Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
