im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
