how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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