Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
