She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
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