At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
