i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
