i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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