Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize