one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
