dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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