My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
