Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
and she was petting her beer can
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
